"_______________________________"

It's not easy living my life.

There is always something that will upset me.

There is always something I'll cry about.

There is always something I could blame myself because mostly, when I do make a mistake, which is often, I blame myself and somehow I couldn't forgive myself for even how little that mistake was. 

I scold myself mentally that sometimes breaking down seems like a habit.

Yes, there are times when I thought of ending my life but I can't. I couldn't. Because it's not right.

So, I expect that maybe someday I would fall asleep and never wake up. That's all I can hope for anyway.

But when I do wake up, I guess it's not my time yet and I have no right to take away my life for it was given freely as a gift. 

And with all the wrong things I've done, do you think I have the right to end my own life? No.

So here I am.

Alive and kicking.

Sobering with puffy eyes and a reddish nose.

Pouring out my feelings on my blog because right now...I couldn't even talk to my parents, my relatives, my best friend, and my close friends because they are all busy without me, which I dare not ask for their time and attention. Who am I to ask anyway?

I though writing could ease the pain, it did. A bit. Just a bit. I thought writing would give me some sort of enlightenment.

But I couldn't think of a solution for my problem, which is me.

...So what do I do now?

Cobwebs In My Blog

I apologize for not keeping my blog updated.

I do have reasons...and on my opinion, my reasons are valid. Well. I might as well say I'm biased on my valid reasons. But still, they are reasons.

Should I even state all of it here would mean for you to tap your fingers impatiently and roll your eyes in reading those reasons...or worse, you would skip reading this post. :(

Worst than that, you cancel this page and forbid yourself to never ever read my blog again and then I'll find not only cobwebs in my blog but a hollow site, zero followers and a broken heart, my heart. T-T It's a terrible crime for you to do that on a girl who just got busy because she realized she could see a career as a writer with pay!

Oh yeah, that's the good part. 

Can you believe it? 

Me? Getting paid? For just doing what I love to do? Opportunity came knocking on the door at January 1, 2011...at exactly 7:33:11 A.M. Then the rest of the details are history or I might say too long to be written on one post.

I might get busy though with work but my blog, my oh-so-beloved blog will always be in my heart.

To show how much I love my blog, you'll be seeing 30 or more posts on my blog before January ends. 

I'm not only doing this for that reason only. I'm practicing my creative side of the brain to squeeze out more things to write about. It will really help me with my freelance writing to pick up the pace or else I'd look really immature and unprofessional-like. 

So there, I ranted what I want to rant about. 

Now I'll blog about what I want to blog about. And keep these filthy cobwebs out.

A New Game For Me

After lolling around the house for quite sometime now...

I found an odd set of cardboards on top of the refrigerator.

(The ref I have a habit of opening and closing its door when I go inside my parents' room. It became a habit because most of the time it had lots of food in it but for tonight, there wasn't much...)

The cardboards, of what I've observed, were new in my parents' clutter. I thought it was just nothing…but it wasn’t…

It had black prints on it…some with tea cups, houses, garden tools and lots of words…inspirational words...ones that the reader reckon should do.

That’s where an idea hit me. A new game. For me.

This game might actually be the push that I need. These 38 cards (which I can’t tell you what’s written in it) shall be a game I like to call ‘Trucs a Faire’ meaning ‘Things to Do’.

If you had read my feeling-down post: 23 at 23. That’s where I got the name of the game from. I have been feeling down lately.

And somehow, this new game came to me as an inspiration to get myself out of my own rut.

I love to play games. Except when it comes to ball-games!

Never been a fan of those. Never will be, I guess.

The closest encounter of me actually liking sports would be playing badminton.

And I still got scared of the shuttlecock hitting me on the face.

That’s my status with athleticism. I’m pretty much geeky.

But this…tehehe…I have a thing for. I love to make the mechanics myself.

It keeps my brain working really well, making it my own kind of game.

Well, I can’t say it as original for the fact that I didn’t make the cards.

But the mechanics of the game, maybe for that I can take credit for.

Anyway, the mechanics can be a toughie, too.

I need it to be fool-proof. Actually, GENN-PROOF.

I’m playing against myself, my tardy self.

So, it can be pretty hard to make rules that won’t have a loophole.

I know myself well that if I want to get out of the game, I will get out of it.

That will make the game faulty meaning if I can’t play it neither other people would especially when they don’t want to play anymore.

I want this game to have a good result, not just for my sake but for the next person I’m going to give it to.

Well, that’s all for now. I really have to think about the mechanics of the game and looking at the 38 cards, which I haven’t read all of them yet and I don’t intend to because it may lost the surprise factor, is already giving me the chills.

I haven’t picked a card to do yet and I won’t, not till I’m ready…now, when will that be?

It also got me thinking, if ever I do finish the game fair and square, I wonder…what changes it would do. I hope it’s the good kind.

23 on 23

ah...yes, its my birthday today.

I'd like to blog about because it's kinda funny and could only happen once in my life that on December 23, 2010, I, Katherine Genn G. Guerra, turned 23.
I guess you can say I'm into even the small details in my life...even on birth dates.

But.

The truth is I'm not actually happy today.

There are times in our lives we become nostalgic. That one of those times was today.

We reminisce of our past and think of the good stuff that happened. And the bad stuff as well.

Mostly, the bad. I wanted to forget about ‘em but it feels…inevitable.

It’s like I haven’t really live my life to the fullest. They said so, its fine. I’m still young. Really? Then why do I feel so old but with a childish mind though? Is that the definition of being young?

Or is the definition of being young means older people get to say that to you because they’ve been where you are right now and that gives them the privilege to say you’re still young because they’re older?

The thing is, let’s say I am young. Still young. But I feel like I have wasted some of my time not doing things that I should be doing. Don’t get me wrong.

What I’m saying is, there are things that I would want to do, good things, but I haven’t started any of ‘em (well at least I have started blogging again, that’s a start). I don’t know where to begin; I know for a fact if I do those things I might help other people as well in some way.

My mind tells me “Hurry up already! You’re wasting too much time! There’s a lot to do! Trucs A Faire!!! Trucs A Faire!!!”

But where to begin? Where do I start? Too many things and too much negativity, too.

I just discovered recently that I have been negative almost all of the time especially when I tried to do things or start to do things. No wonder I never get to finish the projects I made even when I was still in grade school. My school projects were never passed on time or they were never passed at all. I was always late for something. Late bloomer, I guess.

How come I have become negative all of these years? I don’t think I could trace the genesis of my negativity but I’m sure hoping I could keep it at bay. My negative habits do feed on my reasons.

I have my reasons why I feel so $#!++y in my life.

I’m tardy.

I’m irresponsible.

I’m tamad.

Those are just three. There’s more but stating it all in here might cost you to stop reading my post.
Those are reasons but I can never say they’re valid.

Just typing this all in, assessing myself seems to lighten the burden in my heart that I’m feeling the past few days.

So there, this writer is not so happy with her 23 years of living and although I’m not afraid of dying…but do I want to die like this?

I don’t know when will be my last day on earth. So yeah, I should keep reminding myself, if this was my last day on earth, what would I do? Would I feel that it’s too late to do anything or do I go on a leap of faith that maybe, just maybe, that last day wouldn’t go to waste? My hearts chooses the latter.

So by the 24 of December, tomorrow…I hope I’m still alive. I hope I could blog about it so that I might try to inspire you some of the good stuff that I’ll be learning. I hope I won’t be wasting much of my time anymore. I hope there’s still time for trucs a faire!

(btw, trucs a faire means ‘things to do’)

I really do hope I’ll wake up early too. I’m going to a special event tomorrow, even better than a birthday! ^_^

Welcome To My Passion

Passion: (when use as a verb)  

*to endure.

*that of "strong liking, enthusiasm, predilection"

according to Online Etymology Dictionary.

This is how I feel when I write.

Let it be a piece of crummy paper or be it a blog. My love for writing never seems to fade.

I tried not to write. I tried to kick the habit out of my system. I even tried to detoxify myself by not blogging anymore. I did that for some time.

It was pretty hard not to. My mind wandered off thinking about blogging. I have sooooo many great/wacky/crazy/cool ideas and my mind then tells me "hey, you should blog about it." Then sadness fills me up again when reality hits me that: "I stopped blogging."

There were times when I had a great day, one that should be written in books, and I can't help it that I have the urge to just jot it down before I forget what should be written in my history.

So I gave up.

I could not stop writing. My mind would say witty lines that made me laugh and wished every time it did that I was in front of my computer.

So here I am (again) trying to resuscitate my love.
Trying to organize my thoughts to put it in here. (unlike my room which feels like a black hole)

Anyway, I'll be putting up a directory & guidelines about every topic you'll see here.

You'll be hearing from me. ;)

Spread the word, the crazy blogger-slash-frustrated writer is back.

I'm in-Love.