"_______________________________"

It's not easy living my life.

There is always something that will upset me.

There is always something I'll cry about.

There is always something I could blame myself because mostly, when I do make a mistake, which is often, I blame myself and somehow I couldn't forgive myself for even how little that mistake was. 

I scold myself mentally that sometimes breaking down seems like a habit.

Yes, there are times when I thought of ending my life but I can't. I couldn't. Because it's not right.

So, I expect that maybe someday I would fall asleep and never wake up. That's all I can hope for anyway.

But when I do wake up, I guess it's not my time yet and I have no right to take away my life for it was given freely as a gift. 

And with all the wrong things I've done, do you think I have the right to end my own life? No.

So here I am.

Alive and kicking.

Sobering with puffy eyes and a reddish nose.

Pouring out my feelings on my blog because right now...I couldn't even talk to my parents, my relatives, my best friend, and my close friends because they are all busy without me, which I dare not ask for their time and attention. Who am I to ask anyway?

I though writing could ease the pain, it did. A bit. Just a bit. I thought writing would give me some sort of enlightenment.

But I couldn't think of a solution for my problem, which is me.

...So what do I do now?

Cobwebs In My Blog

I apologize for not keeping my blog updated.

I do have reasons...and on my opinion, my reasons are valid. Well. I might as well say I'm biased on my valid reasons. But still, they are reasons.

Should I even state all of it here would mean for you to tap your fingers impatiently and roll your eyes in reading those reasons...or worse, you would skip reading this post. :(

Worst than that, you cancel this page and forbid yourself to never ever read my blog again and then I'll find not only cobwebs in my blog but a hollow site, zero followers and a broken heart, my heart. T-T It's a terrible crime for you to do that on a girl who just got busy because she realized she could see a career as a writer with pay!

Oh yeah, that's the good part. 

Can you believe it? 

Me? Getting paid? For just doing what I love to do? Opportunity came knocking on the door at January 1, 2011...at exactly 7:33:11 A.M. Then the rest of the details are history or I might say too long to be written on one post.

I might get busy though with work but my blog, my oh-so-beloved blog will always be in my heart.

To show how much I love my blog, you'll be seeing 30 or more posts on my blog before January ends. 

I'm not only doing this for that reason only. I'm practicing my creative side of the brain to squeeze out more things to write about. It will really help me with my freelance writing to pick up the pace or else I'd look really immature and unprofessional-like. 

So there, I ranted what I want to rant about. 

Now I'll blog about what I want to blog about. And keep these filthy cobwebs out.

A New Game For Me

After lolling around the house for quite sometime now...

I found an odd set of cardboards on top of the refrigerator.

(The ref I have a habit of opening and closing its door when I go inside my parents' room. It became a habit because most of the time it had lots of food in it but for tonight, there wasn't much...)

The cardboards, of what I've observed, were new in my parents' clutter. I thought it was just nothing…but it wasn’t…

It had black prints on it…some with tea cups, houses, garden tools and lots of words…inspirational words...ones that the reader reckon should do.

That’s where an idea hit me. A new game. For me.

This game might actually be the push that I need. These 38 cards (which I can’t tell you what’s written in it) shall be a game I like to call ‘Trucs a Faire’ meaning ‘Things to Do’.

If you had read my feeling-down post: 23 at 23. That’s where I got the name of the game from. I have been feeling down lately.

And somehow, this new game came to me as an inspiration to get myself out of my own rut.

I love to play games. Except when it comes to ball-games!

Never been a fan of those. Never will be, I guess.

The closest encounter of me actually liking sports would be playing badminton.

And I still got scared of the shuttlecock hitting me on the face.

That’s my status with athleticism. I’m pretty much geeky.

But this…tehehe…I have a thing for. I love to make the mechanics myself.

It keeps my brain working really well, making it my own kind of game.

Well, I can’t say it as original for the fact that I didn’t make the cards.

But the mechanics of the game, maybe for that I can take credit for.

Anyway, the mechanics can be a toughie, too.

I need it to be fool-proof. Actually, GENN-PROOF.

I’m playing against myself, my tardy self.

So, it can be pretty hard to make rules that won’t have a loophole.

I know myself well that if I want to get out of the game, I will get out of it.

That will make the game faulty meaning if I can’t play it neither other people would especially when they don’t want to play anymore.

I want this game to have a good result, not just for my sake but for the next person I’m going to give it to.

Well, that’s all for now. I really have to think about the mechanics of the game and looking at the 38 cards, which I haven’t read all of them yet and I don’t intend to because it may lost the surprise factor, is already giving me the chills.

I haven’t picked a card to do yet and I won’t, not till I’m ready…now, when will that be?

It also got me thinking, if ever I do finish the game fair and square, I wonder…what changes it would do. I hope it’s the good kind.